Once again, yet again

Why am I being rude? What am I even doing? Why am I screwing things again and again? Once again, yet again. Why does nothing seem to change?

All the inexplicable things that are happening, are they even worth fighting for?
Where am I? Are my feet stuck to the ground or is the sky pulling me upwards? Or am I in between, still trying to collect the fibers of my being?

I am nowhere and everywhere.

Can I not be nice? Can I say what I actually want to say? Can I tell you that I am sad? Can I tell you that there are dimensions within me?

Why don’t you get it? My feelings? Why aren’t you helping me deal with them?
Because you’re scared of what you might find.

Have you seen me lately? Do you even know me?
Or like the rest, have you also resorted to catering to your own feelings and not giving a shit about others’?

I’m sick of this. I’m sick of how you always make me doubt myself.

Once again. Yet again.

 

 

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Some people

Do you ever just feel like you can talk to some people for hours? Like you can share anything and everything with them without the fear of being judged? Like you can tell them your darkest secrets? Like you can rant with them about your favorite things? Like you can count on them to make you smile when you are sad? Like you know they care about you even if they won’t say so? Like you can be yourself around them?

I do, and it’s the greatest feeling ever. ūüôā

 

Existing

That day, the only thing I wanted to do was stare at the sky, and keep staring at it and wonder about my existence. Why do I exist? Am I not just another speck of dust in the universe? Am I not just another chaotic mess? Am I not just another human trying to find my place in this world?
All this existential shit, does it even make sense? Well. sometimes it does, sometimes it doesn’t. And it depends on you, what you want to do about it. You can either sit back and watch your whole world crumble to pieces around you, or you can be your own savior.
As for me, I choose to be my own savior. I choose to be my own ray of light.

 

Those 15 days-Another life, another story

Hey guys! Hope you’re having a lovely day! I’m sorry for being so inactive these past few months. But I’ve got a lot of stories to tell you guys!

So, I went on an Exchange Program with my fellow friends from school. We went to France, Denmark, Sweden and Switzerland. The exchange was just in Denmark though, we just visited the other places. In Denmark, we had to go to a Danish school and live with Danish students and basically, explore their culture. And I swear, those 15 days were possibly the best days of my life. I know I won’t get to relive them.
This post wasn’t planned, but I felt like writing about it because I am utterly dejected that I had to leave those days behind.

So I was going through my Europe pictures (for the hundredth time) when I started welling up..and realised how each and every picture had a story behind it, how everyone I had met during my trip had left their imprints on me, how I had left a part of myself there.

From how we reached Frankfurt airport on 9th May only to find out that we had missed our flight from Frankfurt to Paris and how we had to book another flight immediately and everyone was so worried, how our teachers scolded us on the streets of Paris (definitely not proud of that) , how a french waiter sang the famous Hindi song ‘Chahiya chahiya’ for us and told us about his unconditional love for Katrina Kaif (yeah that happened), how my friend forgot¬†her DSLR bag at the top of Eiffel Tower and some security guards thought it was a bomb and put those ‘caution’ yellow tapes around the bag and how my friend ran towards them and told them it was just her DSLR bag (no, I’m not making this up), how ecstatic I felt when I was standing right below La Tour Eiffel, how disappointed I was to see La Mona Lisa ( I’m sorry but the painting was just too small you know), how the french receptionist at our hotel threatened to kill my teachers because we were making a lot of noise (I finally realised why most people say that french people are rude), how I sang ‘Champs-√Člys√©es’ with my friend while waiting at a bus stop in Paris, how we reached Copenhagen airport to be warmly welcomed by two Danish teachers and two Danish students-¬†Freja and Katerine, how it was raining when we got there and we had to drag our suitcases till their school in¬†Hiller√łd (which was also my host’s hometown), how I finally met my host Regine and we shared a hug, how she welcomed me to her sweet house and I met her brother Frederik and her cat Mynthe (he is the cutest thing in the whole world) and her parents Kim and Lene, how I had dinner with them ( it was so nice talking to them. Lene made baked eggplants which were really delicious), how we went to Copenhagen and had the best ice cream ever, how we had a Barbeque party at Leia’s place and it was so freaking cold, how we went to Louisiana museum and beach and one of my friends slapped me with an Iphone (just for fun haha), how we went to Rasmus’ place and played this awesome game called ‘What do you meme’ where you have to match some cards with some pictures to make a funny meme, how we went to Sweden through a ferry and enjoyed the sea breezes, how I had the best mud cake ever with Regine, how I rolled on grass with my friend at Emma’s place because it was a starry sky and the weather was awesome, how we used to attend their school and it gave us ‘movie type high schools’ feel , how we attended a Chemistry class and the teacher literally showed us some explosions using chemicals (it was the best chemistry class of my life) , how a Danish teacher taught us their typical ballroom dance (it was fun but so confusing), how I came to my room to find Regine’s cat resting on my bed (so cute), how I made Biryani for my host family and they loved it, how we performed some Indian dances and songs for them in school (it was an embarrassing moment when we were waiting for our song to play but it wouldn’t and everyone was staring at us) , how I went on a roller coaster for the first time ( it was SO scary with the gigantic loops and the speed) , how we went bowling and I could manage only one strike ( depressing, I know), how we had pizza at a hill and everything was looking so beautiful, how it was finally the day to leave Denmark and catch our flight to Switzerland, how everyone was feeling sad to leave our Danish friends and families behind, how our flight to Zurich got cancelled (flights just don’t like us) and we felt happy about it because we didn’t want to leave Denmark but eventually we booked another flight and left that day only, how we walked around in Zurich and discovered beautiful places, how the teachers were mad at us for a lot of reasons ( again, not proud of that) , how I fell sick and everyone was being so nice to me ( the only benefit of getting sick), how we went to Mount Titlis and had snowball fights and tried to make a snowman, how it was SO cold because there was ice all around and my hands and feet got frozen and I was sick but it didn’t matter, how my friends had a weird fight and they were crying outside their hotel room with pizza boxes in their hands ( I shouldn’t say this but they were looking so cute. Later on, we came to know it was a silly misunderstanding and it was actually quite funny) , how it was finally the time to return to India and I was quite happy to go back, how my luggage was drug tested during the checking( in case you are wondering, no, I wasn’t carrying any drugs, just two bottles of Swiss wine that my friend had bought from Zurich for her dad and had put them in my bag because hers didn’t have enough space. But drug testing was an experience you know! ūüėõ ) , how we didn’t miss any flight this time and reached Frankfurt (it was a connecting flight), how our teachers had warned us not to take out our¬†mobiles else they would throw them in the dustbin (they were angry at us during the whole trip), how we finally boarded our flight to Delhi (it was a 7 hour journey) , how I stayed up the whole time with some of my friends trying to find an Ed Sheeran song on my Ipod (I swear that song’s in my Ipod but we were looking for it for 2 hours but couldn’t find it. I don’t know why) , how we finally reached Delhi and were welcomed by oh so sweet heat waves (gee, it was so pleasant in Europe and we literally melted here), how our luggage didn’t come on the conveyor belt for 30 minutes and we were going crazy, how our luggage finally came and we met our families (such an emotional and happy moment) , how I came back to my own house situated amidst the hustle bustle and noisy streets to how I cherished for being a part of this exchange, I loved every moment of it and I wish I could tell you more about it, but I don’t want to bore you!

I would just like to say that be an opportunist. Grab a chance and hold on to it, discover places, meet new people, make new memories, but most of all, enjoy every single moment because you wouldn’t get to live it again.

As John Keating would say ,” Carpe Diem. Gather ye rosebuds while ye may.”

 

 

Drowning

What did you fear?

Me drowning or

  you drowning with me?

Well, you had no

                                                                     reason to fear

For those reasons

¬† weren’t actually reasons

                                                                   but mere excuses

    for not being with me.

                                         // Fanaticscribble & Musings of a Wallflower //

¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬† ¬†And this time while drowning, I didn’t ask for help.¬†

Hey guys! I am posting after so long, feels nice to be back. I was totally blank and had no ideas or inspiration but now I think I have some plans. My wonderful friend from Fanaticscribble and I collaborated for the very first time and we hope we do so again. Do check out his blog http://www.fanaticscribble.wordpress.com to discover beautiful thoughts and writngs!

 

 

Uncharted waters

I jumped,

into the vast sea

of uncharted waters.

 

And I didn’t drown.

I was floating

and floating

and floating

until my feet felt the cold sand beneath

and my eyes captured the sheer beauty.

I had reached my destination,

the island of happiness.

 

Tired of my mistakes

I always manage to disappoint people; disappoint people to such an extent that they don’t even want to look at me. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of committing mistakes over and over again. But then, this is the human nature. I never give up. I try to not screw things up, but I fail miserably.

Why is it that I am capable of disappointing people but they aren’t? Why is it that everyone seems to be so perfect except me? Why is it that I have this constant feeling of guilt, this feeling that I don’t deserve anyone’s love? Why is it that my mistakes always reveal the person I don’t want to be? Why is it that even though I am such a happy person I get sad?

Yesterday was just like any other day for me, I was happy and prancing around, until I got to know I hurt someone pretty bad. And since then, these feelings of regret have completely taken over my happy world. I can’t focus on anything. I tried making bookmarks (which is supposed to be my relaxation thing), but I couldn’t make more than one bookmark. I tried listening to my favorite upbeat songs, but nothing can make me happy. I have to put on a fake smile and converse cheerfully with people, pretending as if nothing has happened. And the weird thing is, I can’t believe how sad I can be!

It’s frustrating. It’s the worst feeling ever!

But I’ll move on, like I always do. It’s just the thing about life. Life is like two parallel lines, one line of happiness is parallel to another line of sadness. These two will never meet but they’ll act¬†simultaneously. So I tell myself, ”I am the one who did wrong. I deserve whatever happens. It’s okay. I’ll get past it.”

But the thing is, I tell this to myself every damn time. Even if it wasn’t me who did something wrong, I apologize. Because it’s always the right thing to do, even if you aren’t supposed to be the one doing it. What if I’m getting tired of this? I think the reason behind all this, is that some people don’t actually get me. They don’t understand my nature and they blame me.

Maybe I should be blamed upon. But it’s okay. What I need is a Harry Potter or Narnia movie marathon, and I’ll be back to myself!

P.S. If you read this, thank you so much! I feel better when my feelings get transformed into words and someone can relate to it. ūüôā

 

 

The Grim Reaper

Why can’t the world be like Neverland?

Because of Time. It is the Grim Reaper. It plucks memories from the ground and crushes them. It makes us worrisome. Time is the most powerful form of abstract. But we must not surrender. We must not beg it to undo things. We must embrace it. We must show it that we will not be defeated. We’ll pick ourselves up and enjoy the small moments. We’ll remember our loved ones with passion and smiles on our faces and we’ll not curse Time.

Because Time, however devilish it may be, is the only thing that makes us realize that this is the reality, and we must accept it.

 

 

The life of an introspective wallflower

I’m sorry that I’m not conventional. I’m sorry that I’m socially awkward. I’m sorry that I don’t have the latest mobile. I’m sorry that I don’t like Snapchat filters. I’m sorry that I’m a nerd. I’m sorry that I don’t dance at parties. I’m sorry that I’d rather binge watch a show than go out with you just to click pretentious photos. I’m sorry that I don’t pout, that I like being simple and true to myself. I’m sorry that I prefer Imagine Dragons or Switchfoot over One Direction. I’m sorry that I don’t like EDM. I’m sorry that I’m not fashionable. I’m sorry if I let you down, if I embarrass you, if I don’t do what you like to do. I’m sorry if my awkwardness ruins your party. I’m sorry that I’m not like you. I’m sorry that I’m a bore.

I’m sorry for all these things. But I am satisfied with the person I am. I’m happy that I’m not like you, that my life is different than yours. And I guess that it what matters the most.

Thorns and petals

Thorns and petals.
I only ever felt the incessant pain of the thorns drilling into my veins. 

Picture credits:  https://www.instagram.com/cinemaslist