I am not perfect. I am not special. I am not a ray of sunshine or a beautiful rainbow. I am the same matter like everyone else. I am made of the same skin and bones. I knew this already. Why am I realizing it now? Probably because I screwed up pretty bad.
But being a narcissist, the problems do weigh a little less. Yet still they swirl in our minds. Yet still they make us unreasonable. Yet still they haunt us.
I don’t like this particular phase of my life. Probably because it’s not all sunshine and roses anymore. Probably because it’s so dark you can’t even count the stars. Probably because I know I switched off the lights and maybe it won’t ever be bright again. I don’t like who I was and who I am right now. I don’t like all these negative vibes staring at me and teasing me. I am not this person. No. I am someone else. But where has that person gone? Only I have to get myself out of this scattered mess. But as I do this, I need to remind myself that I am not perfect. That I am arrogant. That I am ignorant. But I am still me. And I love me and I don’t want to lose me; the real me.
I like the sentence ‘It’s okay’,because it is a simple reminder to us all that we are the same. That we are not perfect. Every time I feel sad, I tell myself ‘It’s okay’ because I will always be there for myself, even if there’s no one by my side. Although I have bunch of people who are always by my side no matter what, sometimes, the importance of being there for yourself exceeds their importance. I am not saying that I don’t care about their being there for me. I am saying that though I am extremely happy that I have enough love from others,sometimes I need to love and accept myself first to make myself feel better than before.
I wish this world was a washing machine. So that like clothes, we could jump into this machine and we would all come out clean and new. So that the dirt and stains on our bodies would get washed and we would all be bright and cheerful. So that we would learn something new everyday,just like we learn not to pour tomato sauce all over our shirt!
But it isn’t. And that’s why I hate reality, because nothing will ever be what you want it to be.Because as Dr.House says- ‘Everybody lies’. But we can try to make our own realities. Wouldn’t that make the world a much better place?! Then the world would be a reality of infinite realities.
As I write this, I smile. Maybe laugh a little. Open up the mind to fresh thoughts. Because that’s all I can do right now. That’s all I can do to bring my real self back from it’s hiding place.
This is something that has never happened to me before. I have never been stuck in a complicated mess like this. And that’s probably because I have never hurt someone so bad. And trust me when I say that it’s even horrible to see someone cry because of you than to actually cry because of someone.
But bygones are bygones. Now I get Edmund Pevensie. I feel just like the way he felt after he betrayed his siblings. But it all worked out fine in the end, after Aslan saves him from the White Witch. I wish that it would all work out in my case too.
Until then, I’ll try to find my old self.