I always manage to disappoint people; disappoint people to such an extent that they don’t even want to look at me. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of committing mistakes over and over again. But then, this is the human nature. I never give up. I try to not screw things up, but I fail miserably.
Why is it that I am capable of disappointing people but they aren’t? Why is it that everyone seems to be so perfect except me? Why is it that I have this constant feeling of guilt, this feeling that I don’t deserve anyone’s love? Why is it that my mistakes always reveal the person I don’t want to be? Why is it that even though I am such a happy person I get sad?
Yesterday was just like any other day for me, I was happy and prancing around, until I got to know I hurt someone pretty bad. And since then, these feelings of regret have completely taken over my happy world. I can’t focus on anything. I tried making bookmarks (which is supposed to be my relaxation thing), but I couldn’t make more than one bookmark. I tried listening to my favorite upbeat songs, but nothing can make me happy. I have to put on a fake smile and converse cheerfully with people, pretending as if nothing has happened. And the weird thing is, I can’t believe how sad I can be!
It’s frustrating. It’s the worst feeling ever!
But I’ll move on, like I always do. It’s just the thing about life. Life is like two parallel lines, one line of happiness is parallel to another line of sadness. These two will never meet but they’ll act simultaneously. So I tell myself, ”I am the one who did wrong. I deserve whatever happens. It’s okay. I’ll get past it.”
But the thing is, I tell this to myself every damn time. Even if it wasn’t me who did something wrong, I apologize. Because it’s always the right thing to do, even if you aren’t supposed to be the one doing it. What if I’m getting tired of this? I think the reason behind all this, is that some people don’t actually get me. They don’t understand my nature and they blame me.
Maybe I should be blamed upon. But it’s okay. What I need is a Harry Potter or Narnia movie marathon, and I’ll be back to myself!
P.S. If you read this, thank you so much! I feel better when my feelings get transformed into words and someone can relate to it. 🙂