Drowning

What did you fear?

Me drowning or

  you drowning with me?

Well, you had no

                                                                     reason to fear

For those reasons

  weren’t actually reasons

                                                                   but mere excuses

    for not being with me.

                                         // Fanaticscribble & Musings of a Wallflower //

                                 And this time while drowning, I didn’t ask for help. 

Hey guys! I am posting after so long, feels nice to be back. I was totally blank and had no ideas or inspiration but now I think I have some plans. My wonderful friend from Fanaticscribble and I collaborated for the very first time and we hope we do so again. Do check out his blog http://www.fanaticscribble.wordpress.com to discover beautiful thoughts and writngs!

 

 

Uncharted waters

I jumped,

into the vast sea

of uncharted waters.

 

And I didn’t drown.

I was floating

and floating

and floating

until my feet felt the cold sand beneath

and my eyes captured the sheer beauty.

I had reached my destination,

the island of happiness.

 

Tired of my mistakes

I always manage to disappoint people; disappoint people to such an extent that they don’t even want to look at me. I’m tired of this. I’m tired of committing mistakes over and over again. But then, this is the human nature. I never give up. I try to not screw things up, but I fail miserably.

Why is it that I am capable of disappointing people but they aren’t? Why is it that everyone seems to be so perfect except me? Why is it that I have this constant feeling of guilt, this feeling that I don’t deserve anyone’s love? Why is it that my mistakes always reveal the person I don’t want to be? Why is it that even though I am such a happy person I get sad?

Yesterday was just like any other day for me, I was happy and prancing around, until I got to know I hurt someone pretty bad. And since then, these feelings of regret have completely taken over my happy world. I can’t focus on anything. I tried making bookmarks (which is supposed to be my relaxation thing), but I couldn’t make more than one bookmark. I tried listening to my favorite upbeat songs, but nothing can make me happy. I have to put on a fake smile and converse cheerfully with people, pretending as if nothing has happened. And the weird thing is, I can’t believe how sad I can be!

It’s frustrating. It’s the worst feeling ever!

But I’ll move on, like I always do. It’s just the thing about life. Life is like two parallel lines, one line of happiness is parallel to another line of sadness. These two will never meet but they’ll act simultaneously. So I tell myself, ”I am the one who did wrong. I deserve whatever happens. It’s okay. I’ll get past it.”

But the thing is, I tell this to myself every damn time. Even if it wasn’t me who did something wrong, I apologize. Because it’s always the right thing to do, even if you aren’t supposed to be the one doing it. What if I’m getting tired of this? I think the reason behind all this, is that some people don’t actually get me. They don’t understand my nature and they blame me.

Maybe I should be blamed upon. But it’s okay. What I need is a Harry Potter or Narnia movie marathon, and I’ll be back to myself!

P.S. If you read this, thank you so much! I feel better when my feelings get transformed into words and someone can relate to it. 🙂

 

 

The Grim Reaper

Why can’t the world be like Neverland?

Because of Time. It is the Grim Reaper. It plucks memories from the ground and crushes them. It makes us worrisome. Time is the most powerful form of abstract. But we must not surrender. We must not beg it to undo things. We must embrace it. We must show it that we will not be defeated. We’ll pick ourselves up and enjoy the small moments. We’ll remember our loved ones with passion and smiles on our faces and we’ll not curse Time.

Because Time, however devilish it may be, is the only thing that makes us realize that this is the reality, and we must accept it.

 

 

The life of an introspective wallflower

I’m sorry that I’m not conventional. I’m sorry that I’m socially awkward. I’m sorry that I don’t have the latest mobile. I’m sorry that I don’t like Snapchat filters. I’m sorry that I’m a nerd. I’m sorry that I don’t dance at parties. I’m sorry that I’d rather binge watch a show than go out with you just to click pretentious photos. I’m sorry that I don’t pout, that I like being simple and true to myself. I’m sorry that I prefer Imagine Dragons or Switchfoot over One Direction. I’m sorry that I don’t like EDM. I’m sorry that I’m not fashionable. I’m sorry if I let you down, if I embarrass you, if I don’t do what you like to do. I’m sorry if my awkwardness ruins your party. I’m sorry that I’m not like you. I’m sorry that I’m a bore.

I’m sorry for all these things. But I am satisfied with the person I am. I’m happy that I’m not like you, that my life is different than yours. And I guess that it what matters the most.

Thorns and petals

Thorns and petals.
I only ever felt the incessant pain of the thorns drilling into my veins. 

Picture credits:  https://www.instagram.com/cinemaslist

Phones and chaos

So, what’s with all the phones these days? People go showing off their phones like they have owned the queen of England!

I imagine if Hitler had a smartphone! Then maybe Stalin could text him and say,” Hey,buddy. Now that we have made a pact with each other,I want your help with something.Could you possibly send me one life in Candy Crush Saga?” Then Hitler would reply,”Never even in your dreams.” Then Stalin would send him a devil emoji and say,” That’s it. I am invading Poland.”
But I am quite glad that they didn’t have phones back then. If they had, they would have kept clicking selfies with their dead opponents. There would have been videos of the wars on WarTube, with war orchestral music in the background!

Indifferent

Maybe we’re all part of a bigger plan. Maybe we’re spirits in an ungodly world. Maybe there is no reality, no truth. Maybe we’re all distortions of ourselves. Maybe we’re too naive to grasp onto something. Maybe we don’t even exist, maybe this is all a vivid dream. Maybe we’re all floating in sleep, lost in our dreamland. Maybe we’re stuck there. Maybe this world is a dome, caging us. Maybe we all are suffering from paranoia. Maybe we are monsters, hiding knives behind our backs. Maybe we’re too anxious to get out of this sham called ‘life’. Maybe we’re like actors in a play, entering when required and exiting when no one needs us. Maybe we’re dead from inside, no life, no emotions. Maybe we’re caught up in the high tides of societal norms. Maybe we’re caging our inner child who is trying to get out, but we can’t let it happen because we’re too afraid. Maybe we’re crushed pieces of paper. Maybe this was our choice. Maybe we were too angry at ourselves.

Maybe.

It’s all okay

There are people who are afraid; afraid of the dark forces that control us like puppets. There are people who have given up and surrendered themselves to the darkness. There are people who pass fake smiles and pretend that they are just like the rest of us, when they know something’s killing them from inside, dismantling them brick by brick as if they are not people but subjects. There are people who try to hide themselves from shit storms. There are people who are lost in the time loop. There are people who hate themselves. There are people trying to be human by fighting their inner monsters.

But sometimes, you don’t have to be in their shoes to understand what they’re going through. Sometimes, all you need to do is be there for them and say the magic words,” It’s all okay.”

 

 

 

My individuality

”Oh mom, look what I did to my hair!”, said the little girl excitedly. Her mother burst into fits of laughter when she saw that her daughter had tied up her hair with a pair of socks! The little girl was so amused by her creation, she went out of the house to show it to her neighbours. She didn’t care about what people may think of her. She didn’t need someone’s approval for who she was. All she cared about, was her weird looking hair!
.
.
I used to be like this little girl- fearless and nonchalant. And to some extent, I am still a bit like her. But I do care a little about what others may think. And I don’t think it’s very healthy. If I appreciate my individuality, why should I need someone else’s approval?

I have a friend who constantly keeps telling me that I should go back to being that girl. But it’s easier said than done. I am going to tell you an incident and it may seem a bit childish but nonetheless, here it goes-I have these Harry Potter spectacles which I used to wear at school. But the criticism and weird looks I got from some of my classmates forced me to not wear them. I just couldn’t handle it. Some strangers just kept staring at me as if I were a fugitive! There were some people who told me that I shouldn’t care whether others like my look or not. But being the socially awkward person that I am, I stopped wearing them. And now I regret it! I deeply regret it. I appreciate who I am, and I shouldn’t let others shape me. So I have decided that from next grade, I am going to wear them at school. Because in the end, looks don’t matter! And nobody has the right to tell you otherwise. If you like something, go for it!

I am socially awkward. Yes, I’m a wallflower, I find dancing and DJs uncomfortable. I find large gatherings strange and I just want to get out. And I won’t let anybody else change me. It’s okay to be an introvert. It’s okay if you don’t like making small talk with distant relatives. It’s okay if you find writing more comfortable than debating. It’s all okay as long as you appreciate your individuality. I’ve been told several times that my presence at a dance party means nothing, that I’m a bore and I let the energy of the people at a DJ down, that I should dance and have ‘fun’ instead of sitting in a corner and just talking to a friend. But they don’t ever understand me. So I let it all slide.

I enjoy more at small gatherings, and that too, with my loved ones. It’s better being complete crazy with your close friends than dancing to loud music and pretending you’re having the time of your life.

It’s just who I am.

Be different, accept yourself, and be like Luna Lovegood and blame it on the Nargles!